Coffin Island Read online

“The Red Lady is trying to get us all killed,” Professor Coffin laughed nervously. “By us, I mean me. It wouldn’t be the first time for us.”

  “I need to talk to you,” I said and pulled Professor Coffin out of his driftwood chair. “I need some answers before I execute you for treason against education.”

  “I’ve been trying to get in those knickers for four centuries,” Professor Coffin fumed. “What could be more important than The Red Lady? Do have any idea how hard it was to track her down. She is the most cunning pirate in creation. It took centuries to locate her. The emerald ocean is a blasted jungle.”

  We got driftwood stools at the bar.

  Professor Coffin gestured to one of the cheery goblins behind the bar.

  “Don’t be stingy with the pour,” he growled. “I put this rum shack on the map.”

  “What are those creatures?” I asked as a cheery goblin filled two sea glasses with rum. “I’ve never seen a cheery goblin in my life.”

  “Brownies,” Professor Coffin said. “This is the best goblin bar on the emerald ocean. I’ve been thrown out of them all. It’s a pity that I might be having my last drink with you instead of The Red Lady. You have no idea the trouble that you are causing me showing up like this unannounced. Don’t you have some Headmaster duties to attend to back on Coffin Island? Seeing as you and Madison are the only faculty that remain. I can only imagine what the pupils have gotten up to. They’ve probably rebuilt that blasted castle by now. They’ve probably discovered Flint Rock and Gun Rock. They’re probably waging a brutal civil war right now. Shouldn’t you be leaving?”

  “I’ll deal with your latest treachery in a moment,” I said. “How do we get to the next school?”

  “The Casket Island School for Witches,” Professor Coffin bellowed. “Who told you where we’re shipping out to?”

  “You’re going there too?” I asked.

  “Of course, man,” Professor Coffin said. “We want to further our education.”

  “How do you get to Casket Island?” I asked.

  “You sail across the emerald ocean,” Professor Coffin said. “You think pirates walk across the blasted ocean like armadillos?”

  “There are rules in this world?” I sneered.

  “Of course, man,” Professor Coffin said. “They’re subject to change.”

  “You have to sail now before things evolve for the worse?” I demanded.

  “You need to strike while the ocean is hot,” Professor Coffin bellowed. “We have to get going before the next ice age. Now you’re catching on.”

  Chapter

  “It was darling to catch up,” Professor Coffin said. “Now go back to Coffin Island where you belong.”

  Professor Coffin tried to stand up but I pushed him back down.

  “Did you teach those stitches how to read?” I demanded.

  “Of course not, man,” Professor Coffin said. “Don’t be a fool. They’re stitches. They’re a worthless lot except in the seamstress department.”

  “What happened to them?” I asked.

  “They’re putting the finishing touches on the sails behind the bar right now,” Professor Coffin said. “They’re stitching all the loose ends.”

  “Why are they doing that?” I asked.

  “The Wind People keep stealing our sails,” Professor Coffin said.

  “Why are they doing that?” I asked.

  “I’ve commissioned an absolutely hideous breeze,” Professor Coffin said. “I’m afraid that it’s fatal. I’ve probably gone too far. But why be an artist if you’re not going to go all in?”

  “Why did you do that?” I asked.

  “I’m an artist, man,” Professor Coffin said. “Are you dim, man?”

  “I meant the breeze,” I said.

  “We found a particularly fast ship,” Professor Coffin said. “The pirates want to sail it across the emerald ocean.”

  “They want to sail?” I demanded. “I didn’t think they wanted to do anything.”

  “You can’t expect them to horse around forever,” Professor Coffin said. “We’re going to set a new world record for sailing fast.”

  “I ordered them to learn,” I said.

  “That was a factor too,” Professor Coffin shrugged.

  “I demand that you stop what you’re doing,” I said.

  “We have to deal with Doctor Fast now,” Professor Coffin said. “That ship is unavoidable. You see?”

  “Doctor Fast?” I sneered.

  “I didn’t christen her,” Professor Coffin huffed. “She christened herself.”

  “How can a ship christen herself?” I asked.

  “How can a ship perform medical experiments on the wind?” Professor Coffin said. “It’s one of life’s mysteries.”

  “You’re taking the fastest ship with the biggest breeze behind it out of here because you don’t want to learn?” I demanded.

  “Travel is an education especially when it involves deadly speed,” Professor Coffin grinned.

  The pirates looked anxious to begin their terminal education.

  “Where are you going to sail this deadly ship?” I asked.

  “The Casket Island for Witches,” Professor Coffin said. “I already told you that.”

  “You’re not lying?” I asked.

  “Of course not,” Professor Coffin said. “I would have lied already and then denied it.”

  The pirates grunted in approval.

  “The Casket Island School for Witches,” I said. “Is this a place of higher education?”

  “Of course,” Professor Coffin said.

  “Is it a prison too?” I asked.

  “What else would it be?” Professor Coffin demanded

  “The concept of school and prison seem confused in this world,” I said.

  “I would hope so for you sake,” Professor Coffin said. “You’re going to have to do hard time. You’ll be hitting the books with a sledgehammer in the gravel pit. If you’re lucky, that is. That’s not my future. I’m going to hell.”

  “You’re going to hell?” I demanded. “How is that possible if we can’t die here?”

  “Flemish Hell,” Professor Coffin said. “It’s a painted pony of the Apocalypse as depicted by a frontal lobe madman with a paintbrush. You see? I’ve revealed the entire test to you.”

  “You’re just trying to trick me,” I said. “Send me off course.”

  “There is that too,” Professor Coffin grinned.

  I wanted to shoot the Cheshire Cat.

  “You’d rather be a prisoner at the next school than learn at this one?” I demanded. “Is that what you are saying?”

  I was trying to stay on subject with the damn cat. Or at least drown it.

  “They won’t try to educate us in the next school,” Professor Coffin countered. “Casket Island is a gulag where they will just flog us without mercy. Sometimes we read when we get locked up. Plenty of good books have been written in prison. We may try our hand at writing too. You never know.”

  The pirates grunted in approval.

  “How did you leave the library?” I asked. “Let’s just deal with the logistics of how you thwarted my power as Headmaster before I banish you all to an ashcan of an atoll.”

  “I finished my book,” Professor Coffin grinned. “You changed your mind.”

  “I changed my mind?” I practically shouted.

  “Take it up with your book,” Professor Coffin said. “I took a peak in it.”

  “You read my book?” I demanded.

  “Just a peak,” Professor Coffin said. “I was light on reading materials. I had finished my book, you see? Flash recommended that I start yours. Edit it a bit. Monkey around with your life story.”

  “You thought you would monkey around with my life story!” I howled.

  However the wind matched my howl. It was like they were somehow connected. I shouted and the wind shouted back at me. The driftwood shack began to shake terribly. The temperature dropped to freezing. Hail started rainin
g down on us. The storm that was coming seemed slightly ominous for reasons that were difficult to pinpoint.

  The sea retreated. The tide pulled back all of it. A few hideous sea monsters were left flopping in the desert. Then this massive tidal wave came crashing down from the heavens. It filled the emerald ocean back up to the brim while somehow missing us. It was like there was an umbrella over us. Witchcraft was up to the usual.

  “It’s going to be a Category Six Howl!” Professor Coffin shouted over the thunder and lightening as it descended upon us like bayonets. “We’re going to sail to Casket Island, gentlemen.”

  The pirates in the bar looked concerned.

  “We’re going to outrun this storm,” Professor Coffin shouted as the sky reenacted the Big Bang Theory.

  The entire galaxy was exploding over our heads like the universe was reenacting its origins. It was so over the top that it somehow seemed contrived. It called itself into question because of its massive force. Why wasn’t it killing us?

  The pirates looked particularly concerned. Perhaps there was some sort of canine intelligence in them after all. Or they were just scared of the thunder and lightening. However they were certainly dogs. There was no question in my mind about that. They needed to put down at the nearest convenience. They couldn’t be permitted to live if the horror that I was witnessing was their handiwork. What had they done to upset witchcraft this much? What was the matter with these pirates? Had they no brains?

  Only a madman would put them in-charge of a school where the occult had spun out-of-control. What to make of these foolish pirates? Had they escaped from some sort of costume drama elsewhere? Really, what we’re they doing here?

  The pirates in the bar seemed like they had been hastily constructed as humans. There was just something that was not human about them. It was like they were a bunch of puppets that were connected to the door. You opened the door and they turned and looked at you. Perhaps some Italian puppeteer constructed them. I was fairly convinced of it.

  Professor Coffin was also a fraud. He just operated on a higher level. He was a world class puppet. I aimed to cut his strings. Or just follow them back to his owner.

  “What are you costumed fools doing here?” I demanded. “You’re a bunch of frauds.”

  The pirates in the bar shuddered collectively. There was definitely something wrong with them. But I couldn’t place my finger on it. Perhaps a cutlass would do the trick. What about sending them back to the coffin room?

  Then the storm shuddered to a stop. It was like the hourglass had decided to stop.

  “We’re going sailing,” Professor Coffin tried. “Don’t concern yourself with the logistics, gentleman. Ignore Booster Boo. He’s like a train on the wrong track.”

  The pirates cheered. The storm resumed. The driftwood bar began to uproot. A Brownie rang a bell. The storm stopped again. I wasn’t surprised by this because goblins can do anything they want.

  The Brownies started to dissemble the bar around us. They took off the roof. They took down the four walls. They dissembled all the furniture. They pulled up the floor. They bundled up the driftwood.

  The Brownies hauled the entire bar down into a bunker. They pulled the sea glasses out of our hands. They slammed the hatch shut.

  “Best goblin bar on either side of the emerald ocean,” Professor Coffin grinned. “I’m glad we didn’t lose her.”

  “You’re the one that ordered the wind,” I said.

  “I gave the Brownies ample warning,” Professor Coffin said. “Although I think we might have cut it short ourselves. Run for your life!”

  The goblins rang the bell down in their bunker. The storm resumed with even more appalling force. I didn’t think that it could possibly get any worse but it did. It started raining out of the sea. Sand was flying down out of the sky. The world was in an off-kilter roar.

  Our examiners had presumably snapped to order. We had to be close to escaping Coffin Island. Or at least at the time that’s what I thought.

  We ran for the beach. The wind was caterwauling around us. Palm trees were uprooting. Sand was clawing at us. Lightening was striking down pirates. I was viewing this favorably. This world was appearing legitimate suddenly. Hair was standing up all over my body.

  I was terrified out of my mind. Panic was all over me like suit with a ghost in it. Maybe it was just the bar that was some sort of magical ruse. Some sort of goblin trickery. I chalked it off as that much.

  I was too busy running for my life to question anything. Attempting to save myself was keeping my mind plenty busy. There were just so many things out to kill me. The palm trees were impaling pirates in the chest. Rocks were flying into heads. And that was the least of it. The wind was pulling off limbs.

  “The stitches can fly?” I shouted over the carnage.

  “Madison is the only witch that can fly,” Professor Coffin shouted. “The Wind People are stealing my sails!”

  “Stop those sails!” The Red Lady shouted.

  Two enormous red sails were flying out to sea. The stitches were clinging to them like ribbons. They were fluttering in the wind. Madison flew after them. Clouds with faces were blowing the red sails out to sea. They had enormous cheeks like jazz trumpeters. The Wind People played the breeze? It made some sort of horrible sense. They were probably improvising this whole drama at our expense. Why not play that horn like it is? You’ve got to live it. Then you can casually blow that horror for real.

  Chapter

  The Wind People were furious. Lightening was shooting out of them like bayonets. And they were finding the practice corpses. Pirates were being stabbed in the heart with lightening. They were being decapitated with brutal force by the wind. How do you rip a head off with air?

  However the pirates weren’t being dispatched back to their coffins with furious haste. Those corpses had to wait. They were bait. The Wind People chummed the emerald ocean with body parts. Why not?

  You don’t need that head anymore. You’re dead. Just wait until you see what’s coming for it. It will make your decapitated head shudder.

  Buckets of flesh and blood were being hurled into the emerald ocean by The Wind People. Something truly hideous was bound to turn up. The signs and symbols were looking particularly violent. It was difficult to pinpoint the precise reason.

  I was kicking heads into the ocean to get rid of them. I was throwing the odd arm after it too. There were just too many disembodied parts hitting me in the face.

  “Where are the skiffs?” Professor Coffin shouted.

  He was sticking his face into the emerald ocean. I was rooting for a sea monster to eat it. Take that whole smirk right off his mug.

  “Have they been sunk?” Professor Coffin shouted. “My plan is already falling to pieces.”

  “The Sea People have them,” The Red Lady shouted. “They’re in cahoots with The Wind People.”

  Mermaids were rowing our skiffs out to sea. They were singing and laughing. They were wildly beautiful. They were taunting us to follow. At least something in this dreadful world was logical. The mermaids were perfect even if they had suddenly appeared out of nowhere. You couldn’t let the fact that they were out to kill you trouble your already overworked mind. You have to beat down total madness before it takes over and starts operating you like a vacuum on Coffin Island. Your vacuuming up someone’s liver. Or it’s just hitting you in the face in an attempt to distract you from your escape.

  “Never trust a mermaid,” Professor Coffin shouted. “Swim for your lives!”

  “Swim for Doctor Fast,” The Red Lady shouted. “Avoid the mermaids.”

  I was suddenly standing on the beach by myself. The pirates were swimming through the rough seas. It looked like some evil god had suddenly applied a mixer. Why not mix this batter a bit, shall we? Lightening was crashing into the whipped ocean. And it was chasing after the pirates through the ocean like electric eels with sonar. Then the mermaids began rowing towards them. The mast of Doctor Fast looked like an unre
achable pin on the horizon. It actually seemed to be moving away from me.

  I ran through the churning surf and dove into the emerald ocean. Why not swim into the burning building? The water was stupendously cold. Why not make the witches chatter? You can’t have a warm emerald ocean in witchcraft. The sea monsters would never tolerate it. Those are cold water beasts. How else could they be from the last ice age? This world is perfectly logical, at the odd moment, if you work your way through it. You’ve just got to swim the Bering Straight without a wetsuit.

  I swam furiously after the pirates. Cold water swimming will do that to you. It’s a matter of life or death to just accomplish it. Never mind making a destination out of it. Polar bear swimming is an act of survival. You just want to get out of the cold.

  I was suddenly confronted by a very attractive mermaid that was floating in front of me. She seemed to be waiting for me. Could this be that good omen that I had been holding out for? Her golden hair was hanging in the ocean like a plethora of nooses. I swam up to the gallows to introduce myself. Why not be civilized?

  “I drown men,” she said.

  “I drown mermaids,” I chattered.

  I tried to swim past her.

  “You can’t drown a mermaid,” she giggled.

  “Get out of my way,” I chattered. “I’m the Headmaster.”

  I thought that I would give it a shot. When you are totally cornered and have absolutely nothing to defend yourself with that’s when you shoot your mouth off. That hollow title was all the ammunition that I had in the empty gun. Why not fire it off?

  The mermaid pushed my head under. The lights started to flicker. No you don’t, I thought. I haven’t come this far to get snuffed out by a mermaid. I grabbed her long hair and pulled her under. You dispense with civility when a mermaid tries to murder you. I gave her a vicious head butt. It hurt like hell. That’s how I knew that I was still alive. You can’t feel pain when you’re dead.

  The mermaid laughed at me underwater. My skull is a weapon, she said. She spoke directly into my mind. We can torpedo ships.