Coffin Island Page 5
“A little hour glass for boiling an egg,” Madison confirmed.
“How insulting,” I said.
“It’s a cheap hourglass too,” Madison said.
“That’s what controls our lives?” I practically shouted.
“Put your finger in the bird hole,” Madison said.
“Is something going to tear it off?” I asked.
“You’re the most powerful witch in creation, Headmaster Booster,” Madison snorted.
I put my finger in the bird hole of the cuckoo clock.
“Something pecked my finger,” I said.
“That’s witchcraft for you,” Madison said.
“Whoever did this is a total jerk,” I said.
“Yup,” Madison said.
Chapter
Professor Coffin looked guilty. He looked like I had caught him doing something that he shouldn’t have been doing. Perhaps guilt was just his base expression. All the years of treachery were carved upon his face. He lit up like a jack-o-lantern when I appeared. He was also wearing that pirate costume. Perhaps Halloween was just part of his charm.
This wasn’t my first foray with the wicked. My nanny was a goblin. She delighted in bobbing me for apples. Bite that crab apple with your baby teeth she suggested as she held me upside down by my ankles over the tin of crab apples and ice water. It will build character later in life. Indeed, treacherous goblin.
A character of sorts that comes back to haunt you. An iron will hell bent for revenge that teleports after tormenters across time and space. I was thinking this very thought as I set my magical course. I went after my tormenters, the faculty of The Coffin Island School for Witchcraft, with teleport. Here I am. It’s Booster Boo. Do you remember me? I’m that guy that you wrote off, dismissed and figured that you had tricked. Well, I have terrific news for you. I’m back. And I’m really upset. How do you like that?
The pirates in the bar looked shocked. My body was slow to reappear. I held it back a bit. Why not get a bit dramatic with your vengeful teleport? If you’re going to cross time and space with an unpleasant message for your tormenters, why not do it right? You need to hit those marks. Or perhaps it was just my tone of voice which was harsh, Happy Halloween!
I was not pleased with The Coffin Island School for Witches now that I was running it. Some changes seemed in order. The cuckoo clock controlling time had really upset me. A piece of trash nailed to the sun with an invisible finger biting creature of the occult housed within it? How insulting. A massive change of power was in order, if I was in fact the Headmaster. It was time to test that theory out as well. Was I truly the Headmaster of this disaster? The teleport that I had just pulled off seemed to hint in the affirmative.
I also had to find out if I had any real power behind the Headmaster title. Was the title merely designed to bolster the spirits of the new arrivals? Perhaps it was an honorific with nothing behind it but a few knowing giggles. Or Professor Coffin might roar back at me with astonishing force and finish me off. But I highly doubted that.
I figured everything on Coffin Island was a test. I meant not only to pass the test but to destroy my examiners. It just seemed par the course. How about I put you in your coffin as part of graduation?
My examiners were toying with me. Passing the library test had driven me deeper into the test. I was now in-charge of the test? How about we change the course of the test then?
“What do you have to say for yourself, you costumed fool?” I demanded.
“First you interrupted my toilet in the doldrums,” Professor Coffin stammered as my apparition fully materialized. “Now you are interrupting my rum with The Red Lady with your rudeness? And you’ve implied that I am in costume? How dare you? Who do you think that you are?”
“I am The Headmaster of The Coffin Island School for Witches,” I said. “It’s real because I have declared it. I’ve usurped your title.”
“You’re chow,” Madison said.
“You can’t do that,” Professor Coffin said. “Just declare your power. Steal my title. Tell me that I am chow.”
“I just did it,” I roared. “I’m more powerful than you.”
“That’s a bit upsetting,” Professor Coffin snuffed. “We were just jollying you with the Headmaster title. Are you sure you’ve got it?”
“I’m positive,” I said.
“What a rush,” Madison said. “That teleport is just hells bells.”
“There are no pupils allowed here,” Professor Coffin stammered. “The emerald ocean is strictly off-limits to pupils. We can’t have them find Flint Rock or Gun Rock. They’ll kill us all for all the abuses we’ve made them suffer. We have to keep those armories hidden.”
The pirates in the bar looked alarmed. Professor Coffin had just given away the position of the armories. Madison was taking particular note. I could see her savoring the concept of Flint Rock and Gun Rock. Two islands packed with weapons. They sounded terrific to me too. Why not arm all the students?
The teachers were finished. I was going to collect all the weapons as soon as this interview was concluded. I was planning on turning Coffin Island into a shooting gallery for the pupils with the faculty as the targets. That was just for starters. You want to upend everything on Coffin Island? Let’s do it.
“How did you find the faculty lounge?” Professor Coffin demanded.
“Where is Professor Coffin?” I shrugged.
“Booster can teleport himself anywhere on Coffin Island,” Madison said.
“He’s Headmaster,” Professor Coffin gasped. “That confirms it.”
“I’m paying a visit to Flint Rock and Gun Rock after this chat is concluded,” I said. “What do you think of that?”
“Why can’t I teleport myself around?” Professor Coffin demanded. “I need to get away from threatening pupils like you.”
“You would abuse the power,” Madison said. “Torment the innocent with your teleport.”
“How would you describe what you are doing?” Professor Coffin demanded. “You’ve threatened to steal all our weapons. And use them against us. I’m starting to wonder if I was even Headmaster.”
“We’re faculty now,” Madison said.
“We took over the school,” I said.
“We’re supposed to get even now,” Madison said.
“I only refused to feed and teach you,” Professor Coffin said. “And a few other things like house you. You can’t be upset about that.”
“You made the bathtub coeducational,” Madison snorted.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” Professor Coffin shrugged.
“We’re going to punish you hideously,” I said.
“If that’s all you’re going to do,” Professor Coffin said with relief. “A commencement ceremony is in order? Shall we graduate all the pupils from The Coffin Island School for Witches? Perhaps it’s time for everyone to head off to the next school on the emerald ocean. What do you say?”
“I think it might be nice to have the faculty dig their own hole for commencement,” Madison said.
“I’m not digging,” Professor Coffin said. “I refuse to work towards my own graduation. Let education chase after me. Education isn’t worth working towards. Let it hound me like the devil himself.”
“Don’t worry about that,” I said.
“We plan on hounding you,” Madison said.
“The devil has plenty to do,” Professor Coffin agreed. “I’m glad that you aren’t going to overwork that horned beast.”
“We’ll dog you to death,” I said.
“We got it covered,” Madison said.
“Well,” Professor Coffin shrugged. “It’s better than digging. Being dogged to death by my former pupils? It sounds delightful. I’ve always wanted a few pups nipping at my cuffs.”
“You’ll have a different attitude once you’re caught,” Madison said. “We’ll rip you to shreds.”
“You can take that to the grave with you,” I said. “I guarantee it.”
“You don’t have to be nasty about executing me for my crimes against the pupils of The Coffin School for Witchcraft,” Professor Coffin said. “Not only do I admit my guilt. I accept that I deserve a gruesome execution. I’m the one that constructed the noose after all. You children must build the gallows. String me up like a proper pirate. Get a pail of tar and some feathers. That’s all.”
“Can you believe this?” Madison asked.
“He taunts us to execute him,” I said.
“We’re going to take the bait,” Madison said.
“That’s for sure,” I said.
“Just not yet, pupils,” Professor Coffin counseled. “You wouldn’t want to get stuck here forever. And there is much wisdom for you to learn from the Grand Master of Witchcraft, Professor Coffin.”
“What if we leave your corpse out of the sun?” I asked.
“No coffin for you, pal,” Madison said. “We crucify you to the ground in some desert.”
“The wind will just blow away your remains,” I said.
“Sayonara Professor Coffin,” Madison said.
“That’s how you outmaneuver The Grand Master of Witchcraft,” Professor Coffin agreed. “But I am still several steps ahead of you for now.”
“What have you done?” I demanded.
“I’m not telling,” Professor Coffin said. “That image of my remains blowing away in the wind is a bit unsettling. I’m afraid that you will have to pay for that one. I’m changing the course of your story now.”
“You’re changing the course of our story?” I demanded.
“You know this journey that you are on in The Coffin Island School for Witchcraft?” Professor Coffin said. “It’s a story.”
“We’re on a journey,” Madison shouted. “And it’s a story?”
“He’s changing the course of it?” I shouted.
“Don’t worry,” Professor Coffin shrugged. “Witchcraft will take over after I make my revisions.”
“Then it will take on a life of its own,” Madison groaned. “Our journey is a story that is controlled by out-of-control force of the occult?”
“I’m sure that witchcraft thinks much more of itself than that,” Professor Coffin grinned. “Why else would it torment you so? I’m merely the editor.”
“You’re about to get edited right out of the frame,” I said.
“I wouldn’t do that,” Professor Coffin cautioned. “You will have to stay here forever.”
Chapter
What is the meaning of this story that I am on? Why not look at the setting. The principal character, Professor Coffin, is frankly too upsetting. So what do we have here? Seeing as I may be stuck in this nightmare for the rest of my life. Why don’t we take inventory, shall we?
The faculty lounge was a driftwood shack on a tiny island in the emerald ocean. It was staffed by creatures that looked like cheery goblins. Everything in the bar appeared to have washed ashore including the patrons. It made sense that The Coffin Island School for Witches seat of intelligence was built out of driftwood and shipwrecked characters. How else to explain the continuous drift?
Someone should drop napalm on this deserted island. Send a bomber over it to identify the coordinates. Let the shipwrecked individuals come running out with their flares and signal fires. Their signals of distress constructed out of rocks on the beach. The pirate fools. How little do they know?
We weren’t on a rescue mission. We had found it necessary to shift gears because we were in possession of new information. We weren’t looking to rescue the faculty of The Coffin Island School for Witches. We were trying to find their hideout to destroy them. We weren’t seeking to save. We were seeking to destroy now.
It’s curious how easily those gears can shift. Let’s peer out the window and figure out where to drop the bombs now instead of the food. But where exactly were we located? How do you seek and destroy an enemy that you can’t even locate, never mind pin down on map, so you can call in the bombers with the precise coordinates?
Dump all you got. I’m pinned down here. Roger that, but where are you, exactly? I have absolutely no idea. Could you be a little more specific? I’m shipwrecked somewhere on the emerald ocean. What’s the emerald ocean? It’s a magical ocean in the land of witchcraft. That’s as specific as I can get. You call back when you get a better location. Roger that.
The faculty lounge for The Coffin Island School for Witches was just some rum shack that wasn’t on the map? It was a drinking destination for the undisciplined educators of this world? It must be interesting to see where they published and wrote. So this is where the faculty turned out their big thoughts? Their big thoughts were housed in a driftwood shack in the tropics. Why not? If you’re going to make a mess of your life you might as well have good weather.
I was thinking that the faculty of The Coffin Island School for Witches might need to think a little broader under my administration. I was considering prying them out of this shack with hideous force now that I was Headmaster. They weren’t going to drink and horse around under my administration. These practitioners of the pirate lifestyle had hell to pay. I was going to force them to teach at gunpoint. Flint Rock and Gun Rock here I come. However I have to study these pirate fools first. Learn their moves by rote so I can squash them.
The air was thick with cigar smoke and alcoholic body odor. This was to be expected. The teachers were a compendium of bad lifestyle choices. They were a cautionary tale of what you did not want to become in life. Who wants to be a smelly, old pirate that drifted around in the doldrums in a rum blackout while neglecting his teaching duties for centuries? They were a demonstration of all the wrong turns in life that an educator could take. I aimed to right them for the wrongs that they had perpetrated.
The pirates were whispering amongst themselves over dominos. They could sense that I was calculating their punishments which were going to be severe. However I was surprised that they could actually speak. At least they had some humanity amongst themselves, I thought hopefully. Perhaps they could be reformed. Perhaps I was too harsh in my judgment. Then I noticed that their dominos were pieces of human bone. They were playing dominos with what appeared to be human bones.
The faculty of The Coffin Island School for Witches were amusing themselves with pieces of dead people? You have to sometimes stick with your first impressions.
“What are you savages doing here?” I demanded.
“I’m having a rum with The Red Lady,” Professor Coffin said and jiggled his sea glass. “She is the most cunning pirate in creation.”
“I sneak aboard ships in costume,” The Red Lady explained. “Then kill all aboard.”
The Red Lady had two hooks for hands. At least someone had gotten the better of her. She demonstrated that there was some sense of hope in this world.
“I’m Madison Kidd,” Madison said and practically sat in The Red Lady’s lap. “How do you kill all aboard?”
I’m magically attached to Madison, I thought. Whoever is responsible for this travesty should be shot. I might just pop off to Flint Rock or Gun Rock and light up this bar.
“Strangulation,” The Red Lady said and extended her hook.
Maybe I’ll study the situation a little bit before I pop off. This woman strangles her victims with two hooks for hands? As awful as it sounds I found myself intrigued.
“Sounds handy,” Madison said and shook the hook. “Your hook is chilly. I like that in a hook.”
“Aren’t you lovely,” The Red Lady said and reeled in her chilly hook. “You’re the one that killed the entire library.”
“Booster killed Professor Coffin,” Madison shrugged. “I couldn’t get to him fast enough.”
“Professor Coffin is still bragging about that,” The Red Lady laughed. “He’s very proud of you two. You’re his star pupils.”
“You’re the first two pupils to graduate since I became Headmaster,” Professor Coffin grinned.
“It’s about time that I got some well-earned credit. I’m tired of four hundred years of complaints from the alumni.”
“There are alumni of The Coffin Island School for Witches?” Madison asked.
“Where do you think we came from?” Professor Coffin snapped.
“Four hundred years to graduate two pupils,” Madison sneered. “I should kill this entire bar.”
“You should,” The Red Lady said and pounded her left hook on the table for emphasis. “The faculty is always up to no good. You won’t be pleased with their latest plot. I’m merely going along with it because it suits my murderous needs. I am not a member of the faculty or even The Coffin Island Community. There are plenty of pirates that have refused to join on principle over the years.”
“Let’s not concern ourselves with the rogue pirates on the emerald ocean,” Professor Coffin said.
The pirates in the bar looked desperate.
“How many rogue pirates are there on the emerald ocean?” Madison asked.
“All the pirates have gone rogue including Professor Coffin,” The Red Lady said. “Why have you all gone rogue?” I demanded.
I was glad that I had stuck around now. I was going to have more justification for killing everyone shortly. This is how despots come about, I thought. From their perspective killing everyone is just a grim necessity. It’s the only way to bring any order to your subjects when they’re all killers of humanity.
“They didn’t like the new administration,” The Red Lady shrugged.
“How could you possibly go more rogue than you already were, Professor Coffin?” I demanded. “I haven’t even begun to punish any of you for your crimes against the Coffin Island School.”
“What you did to the pupils is unforgivable, Professor Coffin,” The Red Lady said. “You should have just killed them.”
“He didn’t even have the decency to kill me,” Madison said.
“Professor Coffin should be shot,” I said. “We’re all agreed.”